This week marked the start of an experiment to find myself, again. 18 months have been a roller coaster ride of unbelievable joys and deep cuts in the heart; but through all of this something else completely faded away - a sense of space from where creativity used to emerge in the form of sparks, and anything it touched would glow in its own way. That space, which I had parked in the corner of my heart, with a few guards around it, had been taken over. I hoped that it would emerge, only to realize that even if it did, I'll pay a heavy price.
I tried several ways to cope. I created plans, laid out over weeks and months, to find a new rhythm. Each plan showed its goodness but nothing stuck around. I just got used to the recurrent disappointment.
Finally, over the months of September and October, I broke down - sometimes with unexplained yet severe outbursts, sometimes with petty quarrels and most of the times with a deep sense of resentment towards everyone around me who got by.
My partner intervened and acknowledged that I need help and support. However, to let other people help me, I had to accept it their way.
So I have been set free from all things family. It's painful to lose the only sense of self you have held on to for 1.5 years; but the goodness of it has already surfaced.
Stay tuned, there's stuff to come over the next few months.