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Life is a long, wondrous and continuous introduction to yourself.

The act of creation — it leads me to unknown places. Only to make me realize that all was known, always. And yet, I live every day with the hope that I’ll explore, create and grow into someone new. Because what’s life if not a long, wondrous and continuous introduction to yourself.

In this journey, music lives by my side. I find melody in my writing, and a lot of writing in my melodies. Sometimes, I hear songs in the bubbles of boiling tamarind water. Or in the stroke of red paint over the canvas. Or in the giggles of a child after a good joke. Tunes find their way even into my boredom, curiosity and the thoughts in between. And a rhythm taps into my sorrow, so it can take the leap to laughter.

Such is music. Such is life — yours and mine.

Hello!

Disengage!

This week marked the start of an experiment to find myself, again. 18 months have been a roller coaster ride of unbelievable joys and deep cuts in the heart; but through all of this something else completely faded away - a sense of space from where creativity used to emerge in the form of sparks, and anything it touched would glow in its own way. That space, which I had parked in the corner of my heart, with a few guards around it, had been taken over. I hoped that it would emerge, only to realize that even if it did, I'll pay a heavy price.

I tried several ways to cope. I created plans, laid out over weeks and months, to find a new rhythm. Each plan showed its goodness but nothing stuck around. I just got used to the recurrent disappointment.

Finally, over the months of September and October, I broke down - sometimes with unexplained yet severe outbursts, sometimes with petty quarrels and most of the times with a deep sense of resentment towards everyone around me who got by.

My partner intervened and acknowledged that I need help and support. However, to let other people help me, I had to accept it their way.

So I have been set free from all things family. It's painful to lose the only sense of self you have held on to for 1.5 years; but the goodness of it has already surfaced.

Stay tuned, there's stuff to come over the next few months.

 

 

 

personal experienceKavita